:: are there angels or devils crawling here? ::

:: Saturday, May 31, 2003 ::

The post-term week is filled with ups and downs.
A definite up would be yesterday.
ACJC Rugby Team wins the Police Cup for the third consecutive time! We is rawking the padang.
There were significant differences to last years championship game. Last year we strolled over the rafflesians with an easy 26-0. Or 36-0, i can't be sure. This year the greenies actually scored a penalty first. Then it was our game again, we led 13-6 towards the end. Funny thing was, the referee extended the extra time up to 11 frickin' minutes. Stuff like that was kinda expected, seeing as the referee being on RJ's payroll. But that was way too overboard, and overboard enough for the greenies to score a lucky try. Missed their conversion though, and the referee had no more legit reason to cream the rafflesian buttholes.
So 13-11. It looks close. And looks have a way of being wrong.
So we won. And i get to witness the Hakka. Which made my day.

Watched the National Basketball Finals on Thursday too. SAJC vs. HCJC.
That basketball match was one of the most exhilarating games i ever watched. HCJC was the favorite, them being the champions for hey-years running. But SA showed real promise. And the atmosphere was boiling with electricity. The HC and SA crowds make noise. And the saints were pretty darn coordinated in their din-making. Almost as good as VJC, i suppose. Almost.
Anyway i try to describe the game will only offer it poor justice. After an intense first run, SA had the lead. And was stretching it. Must have been nail-biting for the communists, The HC players can't get even get near the hoop or even into the paint. Its only after SA had an astounding upperhand of 8-0 that HC made their first 2 points.
i love war and basketball, amongst other things. And the match gave me both in a silver platter. The saints led by 6 or 8 points at the end of the 1st quarter. The second quarter saw the commies try to close the gap, getting as far as a 4 point trail, but SA just took it as an incentive to tune up the pressure. The first half ended with the saints leading by an astounding 10 points, to an uproarius crowd. i was with a part of AC's basketball team. And Jon was saying, SA would be winning for sure. and i was in agreement. we were looking at a possible upset of a grand scale.
That was something.
The mid-game break seem to snuff the swagger out of the cheenas, and they got back on the game with quite some measure of grudging respect. The battle intensifies, but the HC players only managed to close the gap down to a 6 point lead at the end of the third quarter.
Fourth quarter was breathtaking to say the least. Barely 3 minutes into the quarter, the HC players pulled an incredible 12 point rally, inclusive of no small numbers of downtown 3-pointers, which brought the game to a mad twist as SA trailed for the first time in the game, by 6 points no less. The saints probably made a mistake when the players were constantly changed in the last quarter. It breaks team flow and momentum. And the commies also resorted to the alternative of increased aggression and strong-arming. Whatever it was, the game was put on a thin line.
SA caught up to even the score with three minutes left on the clock. The crowds were whipped to a frenzy. From then it was a neck to neck chase. But SA's stamina burned out, and their momentum dipped, and they gave way to the HC aggression and experience.
The game ended with HC leading by only a 5 point margin. it was a wee-bit disappointing to miss an upset. But the game was, for lack of a better word, it. Good shit. And that meant everything. To me, at least.

Then it was the Girl's Hockey Finals early in the morning. ACJC vs VJC.
VJ, as usual, brought their mob of human noisemakers. And flags. And thingamajigs-that-make-noise. They filled up their side of the stadium and then some.
Which was in contrast to the Acsians. We didn't quite come out in such force. But there were those, like 2AD4s, Jon, and Andrew who meant to equal it up.
The victorians scored early in the game. But the girls put up an impressive fight, AC evened it up soon enough. 1-1.
So it was that for the rest of the game time, the draw was maintained. They were close calls, but never close enough. AC put up assaults one after another. And Chia held up as an outstanding defender. Somehow she keeps managing to slip the ball away from the victorian noses.
Overtime in hockey is the case of Sudden Death. The tide turned here and there, but still no score for either camp. Towards the end, AC had a real chance. A fast break brought the ball past the victorians so rapidly they couldn't get their defense in line. The ball was passed to another girl, and she had a wide-open angle shot. But she missed. It could have been the panic, pressure or stress. It could just as well be fucked-up Fortune. Must have crushed her.
It was then down to penalty shots. Three's not much to say here, because penalty shots as much luck as they are skill. VJC emerged victorious with the majority.
It was saddening, no doubt. But it was even more saddening to see the hockey girl's with a spirit of defeat and self-blame. It is ironic that in a victory the players would count the success as a collective effort, but in defeat would take it upon themselves to shoulder the responsibility they impose upon themselves. But that is only human. Strength, however, is found after a defeat , when one realizes that such an apparent failure had in no way made them any lesser than what they truly are.

Left the stadium with Jon and Kevin, and went to the latter's house. Then Kwan sat through an economics tuition while me and Jon had a go at his games. Found another drug there, its a game called NBA Street Vol.2. Good Shit. But i got thrashed by Jon all the way. heh.
Had some fine lunch with Kevin and his parents. Leftovers from yesterday's post-rugby-finals dinner, but leftovers seldom taste so good.
Then we actually got to school and spent quite a bit of out time on the basketball court testing out my new ball. Realised how much i regressed. Can't even do a proper layup. And my ballhandling paled starkly in contrast to Jon and Kevin. Which was little surprise, but still sucked.
i'm going to work it hard, though. And fucks to my weak knee. i'll be better.

Will be going to Esther's funeral service later. She passed away 315am this morning.
God bless her soul, and be with her bereaved friends and families.
He'd better.
.
:: Michael 5/31/2003 01:51:00 AM [+] ::
...

Term exams are over.
Relief is but an understatement. Its only three days but stress can make three days seem long.
Very long.
Literature should be alright for a pass. i actually managed to break past my usual two-page sorry excuse for an essay and blurted a full three-page one. i ought to be happy with myself. i did cheat a little, though, i spaced out my words and used a thicker pen. History was a three hour fiasco. Spent too much time on the source-based essays and was too narrative in my essays. Would be a joke if i even scrimp past this one. Economics...was a surprise. i actually seem to know a little. Chester would feel the same. we went through self-imposed cram classes for this damn subject.
Then had the Art paper today. Pencil-work-wise, i'm pretty ready. But its a painting paper. She-it. Tamed elephants with paintbrushes make better sense than michael with paintbrushes. Had a crashcourse on painiting from Christina, half-an-hour before the paper itself.
That helped quite a bit. i could actually distinguish black from white in the final piece. Which was a great improvement considering my past efforts.
Theme was "Wearables". An extremely intelligent and philosophical idea. Wearables.
Well. it beats "Something Spherical".
i managed to make something out of it. i dug out my old basketball shirt and pants. Plus shoes and an old basketball, in a locker. A pathetic tribute to the has-been basketballer that i was.
Bleah.

Congratulated myself by buying a new basketball today.
The irony.
My first in a long long while. Money well spent though, i can't keep my hands off it.

On a more sombre note.
(Yes i'm drinking.)
Esther is in a bad shape. In a coma, due to internal bleeding in her right brain i believe.
i don't know her well at all. But it is still deeply saddening. And sobering.
18 years of age, just like everyone else in school. In the prime era of life, undoubtedly with dreams and aspirations and great potential. And promise.
Where do all these go?
i was watching TV when people are struggling to hold on to life. What gives me the right? Its obscene, that some would take tomorrow for granted while others pray so desperately for today. Its vulgar, that i concern myself with the insignificances of life while some have to face the uncertainty of the next moment. And its disgusting, that someone would place herself and her self-importance before the pain of another, who could be wondering what she did to deserve this all.
God has given much to everyone. But how much does that matter, when He chooses to take it all away?
Would one thank God anyway, for all that He has provided? For a good life so far? i wouldn't. i would struggle like a mad demon. Because i want to live and i want to experience and i want to learn and i want to suffer and i want to find peace and i want to pull through.
So i will pray for Esther. i will pray that she finds the will to grab at Life and not let go.
i will pray to God that this story has a good ending. Because the world needs more good endings.

i will pray.
.



:: Michael 5/28/2003 08:12:00 AM [+] ::
...

Seems like my blog has become the grounds for a forum of theological discussions.
There's a lot of talk about me dissing God, about being a bigger arsehole and a hypocrite, about me judging others, about me not practicing what i preach.

Its frustrating. To say the least.

There's a lot i want to say to these people, because this is where i leave behind the charred traces of my existence, and i won't have it dedicated to nameless indignance. i have a lot to say.
But i won't.
i won't fall into this useless banter, because people have their convictions and they will hold on to them, and then they will impose it upon others. Someone said i had fallen into the irony of judging others. i have said this long before, that i am a piece of shit. That what i believe in, my cynicism and my view of life and love and God, is hardly the Gospel Truth.

But. It. Is. Mine.

i never compelled anyone to step into this place, much less force them to accept what i say here. Because this is where i write about myself; this is the one place i get away with selfishness. Bits of my life and my thoughts i leave here, for myself and for those who care to listen in. But i'm not as naive as to say that this is my private place. Anonymous individuals and nameless fools may stumble in, because this is the borderless internet. And many will find they do not like what they see here. Amongst them would be those who take it for what it is, and those who keep silent. And amongst them would also be those who think that reading these bits of my life make them believe they know me, and believe they have the exalted status to correct me. To tell me to grow up, or to tell me i should stop expressing myself this or that way. And then one would mount punitive retorts at my words for them, that only show his or her lack of comprehension at what i say, with little relevance to the main concern. Like saying that having a comments link is me 'asking for it'.

For these people, i have also one thing i always say. Go back. Go back to your nice world, nice people and nice God. Don't come here again because my world is far too dark and real for you.
i say this because- surprise- i am a Christian. Yes, i believe in God, and i struggle with him, because i believe that struggle defines me as a person, and i learn from my conflicts. But i do not diss God, no matter how you interprete my words. i know the Bible well enough, that i need not pick it up to find the verses. i just don't remember the chapter or verse numbers. i know it because i was once a Christian that went to church every Sunday, had Bible Study, had cell groups, organised church camps, held youth services, brought friends to Christ and accepted all the dogma indoctrinated to me. i was once a fool, and in so many ways i still am.

But it came to be that i am what i am today. i won't ever say what happened, or what changed me, because ultimately nobody gives a flying fuck. i have tried telling some, but in the end i only give them a touch-and-go. Opening up is to be shut-out, just as trusting is to be betrayed, and to love is to be hurt. All is to be said is that i made a choice. i choose to look at God, people, and the world in much darker shades, because i had tried to believe in its beauty, but found it ugly. So the assumption that i take things too seriously is laughable, especially for those who know me. i would have lost faith entirely had i taken things too seriously, because sometimes the only reason i believe in God is because He has a screwed-up sense of humor.

Lastly. i always write what i mean to write, down to the word choice and punctuation. And my writing is not for people who read it at face value. In other words, i know what i say, and i don't make mistakes. Having said that, i don't fucking mince my words either. But this entry is an exception. i have tried to be as clear and as obvious as can be, without too much underlying messages. This is for the sake of those intellectually challenged and linguistically obnoxious.
i will reiterate the main reason behind this entry in more simple terms. This blog is not a place for your nameless (ie.coward) indignance (ie.stupidity). This blog is mine. This blog and its self-respecting readers will no longer deem to listen to your (ie.coward) inanity (ie.stupidity). So go back.

And grace, listen because this is the last time i will ever say anything meaningful to you.
You should know me better than that. You should know better than to come into my blog and invade it with your loud and long thesis about me blaming God. How is it that you think you know me enough to judge me? Even Cecile never made the mistake of assuming she knows me. And she knows me far better than anyone else already.
i told you before and i will tell you one last time. i do not blame God. God has made Himself faultless. And i also told you i take the shit that happens to me as lessons. i am what i am, a piece of shit, because of what i have learnt, of which mainly are from the crap that i go through.
God is pissed with me, and that is no surprise. Yet i won't be what i am today if He did not allow me to be so. That is not me blaming, cos blaming is a weakness. That is a hardcore fact. i do not assume i go through worse things than you. And its real nice that you have turned out like this, and it sucks that i'm not like you. But that's just the way it is. Every one person that gains in this world equals another person that suffers somewhere else. Ceterus paribus.
And every nice little anecdote you can tell, there are ten other stories of darkness, desperation, despair, desolation and death. and i hope i can be proud enough to say i'm in one of those in the latter categories. So my answer to your ' nails in the garage door' tale is: what garage door?

..

:: Michael 5/24/2003 08:04:00 AM [+] ::
...

Haven't been blogging consistently for some time.
And i have more reasons than excuses, so lets just leave it at that.

There are a number of things i need to address.
One would be directed at a certain persona from a highly-acclaimed and self-proclaimed intelligentsia: the wisetongue named 'doesn't matter'. My annoyance at thy abstinence from identification notwithstanding-- Fuck thee.
'Tis a handsome number of flattering comments i can parade at thy pharisaical countenance, but i shalt refrain from condemning my tongue to such foolish tirades that may only fall upon airy ears.
In short-- Fuck you.
"For someone who so respect n adore ur religion, i presume u must be someone who abides the laws of christianity.
however, it juz struck me tt tt's not the case cos u insulted ur fellow chinese race when, if i should kindly remind u, U R A CHINESE."

First of all. Spare me your self-righteousness. If you are that much of a christian, you ought to remember God's Words, which go 'The righteousness of man is but a dirty cloth in the eyes of the Lord Almighty'. And might i remind you too, that if you delved a bit deeper into the Bible, you should know that the real Hebrew translation for 'dirty cloth' is in fact referring to the cloth that is the Old Testament equivalent of the sanitary pad and the tampon. King James and his fellow scribes were just too anal-retentive to name it as it is. So don't splatter your righteousness in anyone's face. And if you have a bone to pick about my cussing, remember- God just called you a tampon. So Fuck thee Point.1.

Fuck Thee Point.2: Oh. so i'm no christian because i 'insulted' my own race? Here's some facts. Priests around the world are insulting their own religions when their hands are busy groping young boys. And the number of people killed in the Name Of God throughout history has exceeded the kill list of WWI and WWII combined. And Jesus was betrayed by hies fellow Hebrews. And only 2.1% of the Israeli population are Christian. So- i'm sorry i 'insulted' my own race and my religion. Might i add that i had been joking, by the way? Its called sarcasm, irony, yes?

Fuck thee Point.3: Who the fuck are you to judge me? Do you know me? Do you think you can waltz into this blog of a demon you have never met, read a slice of his life in a few words, and take it upon your holier-than-thou self to impose your opinions on me? i don't judge people and i don't impose opinions- unless someone is asking for it. i don't judge people because i have absolutely no right to do so. So what if i 'insult' my own race?
Which is better, pray tell- one who judges others, their representations and their identities; or one who 'insults' his self, his representations and his identity? Because i judge myself, and i see only the rotten, worthless, empty piece of shit that i am. Because i believe that i will lie, cheat and deceive till the day i die, and if i manage to cheat the world then i win- but the moment i deceive my very own self i lose.
How about you, christian?
Can you accept that we live in a world weaved in a fabric of lies? Can you accept that God put you in this cesspool of sin and darkness and death, only to tell you that the wages of sin is death? But thats okay, because then God says you have a Choice, to die and burn in hell, or to believe in Him and run away from sin and have eternal life. Tough choice is it not? Its just like you dumping a hamster into a pool of water and say to it in a soothing voice: "But hey, you can choose not to be wet!". Can you also accept that God already knows what your ultimate Choice will be? What then is a choice?

i accepted that. God created the world, and God created Lucifer and God created me. And God set the rules. And i will play by the rules, or as you aptly put it- "abide by the laws of Christianity". But that in no way means i have to like it.

So comment again if you will. Write out your indignancy just like i have. And if you are proud to represent God, put your real name on the words.
"juz some thoughts tt i think u mite wanna ponder on...
no hard feelings though"
i am a christian btw.

And for Grace:
No dear, i am NOT nice. i think the above discussion will be evidence enough.
Y'know just like they say: "like Father, like son."
i know puns too. heh.
:: Michael 5/17/2003 07:10:00 AM [+] ::
...

So they say-
God is good.
yes.
God is great.
yes.

But who the fuck told you that God is nice?

.
:: Michael 5/12/2003 07:30:00 AM [+] ::
...

Happy Birthday Jas!
18 years in this world and the Lord has kept you sane.
Although the surprise that was rather haphazardly arranged did not seem to have its full impact on Jas, i believe we made him as happy as were he really surprised. Thing was, i had the feeling Jas would know we were up to something. Mainly because people in our class don't forget birthdays, people like Michele for example.
And Jas did in fact suspect so, and his suspicion was conveniently confirmed when he read Wai Min's blog. Ah, the hilarious moments in life.

Then by 5pm we were back in school. Don't know about the others, but i was pretty psyched up about the match.
So psyched up that i busted my weak knee when i jumped down the bleachers. It hurt. A lot. And most of the pain was still in the regret that i no longer as physically capable as before.
Bleah.
It had been raining not long before. The muddy wet pitch was evidence enough. AC was up against Hwa Chong, and we ought to kick their asses for payback from the water-polo finals. And because they're just so damn chinese.
The match ended with the score being something like 84-3. Kick their manjan butts. With muddy spike shoes. Stupid cheenas.
But it was nothing personal.
And Kwan scored a try! (is that how you spell it?)
Sweet.

Had a Whopper junior at BK when i rejoined them in town.
Then wandered around.
'Winter Wolf' is this potentially blow-you-away book by David Gemell, which i had been looking out for everywhere since i missed the chance to buy it when i first saw it. Dammit they didn't even have it at Borders. i need a break from literature texts, as good as TTTC was.
But i had a great time.

ok. Tired. Sleep.


:: Michael 5/10/2003 08:52:00 AM [+] ::
...

Here's a quick God story:

Last Friday being michael was a little hard.
But michael is still walking on. With booze in one hand and coffee in the other.
Then in a moment of belligerence, he holds an inane conversation with God. michael reverently lays down his troubles before God...
...And then points a finger at Him and says 'Is this the best You can do?'
Now one must understand that michael has never been accused of possessing much wisdom, and he wasn't in the best condition for divine diplomacy.
So michael began thinking of the thousand and two ways, just short of death, in which God can fuck his life up with more creativity. ' What's next?' Disease? Death of a close one? Isolation? Deprivation? Condemnation? Or maybe even compel him to watch 2hours of tellytubby re-runs?
' What's next?'

But God kept his silence.

Then this Friday, God offered his answer.
It was simple.
The Lord Almighty need not draw up elaborate plans or create weaving plots in order to mess with michael's life. All He had to do, really, was make michael go through the same shit that he went through lasat Friday. Again.
So there was again the STC the next morning, and there were similar screw-ups. The computer crashed for an incredible thrid time in a row. The same screaming rallies with mother. And then a nice party- this time at Joy's place.
The only difference was the absence of alchohol.

It was a stroke of genius, really. And God proved his point.

Amen. The Lord bless you and keep you sane.

.
:: Michael 5/08/2003 08:58:00 AM [+] ::
...

First of May. Mayday.
Appropriate name for a day like this. A WWII pilot would be screaming 'Mayday' when his plane is screeching towards the ground.
Quite noticeably, its almost been a full week since the last entry. i have my excuses, though. i almost always do.
Last week was... Bad. i could pick a number of more impressive words to offer a closer measure of that fucked-up week. But i pick 'Bad' because i am a strong believer in the understatement, and i believe that sometimes an understatement is the best hyperbole.
So, yeah, last week was bad.
That's all.

Up till Friday, i had thought things can't really get worse. But God is consistently eager to prove me wrong. The week was a build up of fuck-ups and down-and-outs. Then Friday was the absolute rock-bottom. The STC workshop i would have to hold on Saturday morning demanded notes of which i have already churned out 90%. After rushing back from the analyzer in the economics tuition center, i had about a one hour margin to finish it before setting out for Kevin's party. Things seemed to be going well. i can finally heave a sigh of relief about my screw ups in econs, and i have a cool party to look forward to. i only had less than two pages of notes to complete.

i suppose at that point, the Boss felt a need for entertainment.
The comp crashed. Again.
And the notes were gone, conveniently. F.U.C.K.
This week, and leading up to this Friday had become so fucking ridiculous i wonder if i should laugh. And then mum was there to offer her timely comments. So its my fault again. She's particularly defensive about the dilpidated quality of the computer. For the record, though, she did buy a pathetic comp from a 'church friend' who basically ripped us off. it didn't even have a graphics card.
So i had to redo the notes, face down my mum and flip God the finger. all i wanted then was to get out of the house. Then mum insisted to drive me. How nice. Only that she was dissing and cussing me every slow mile of the way. The discussion got a little heated up, and we settled on screaming at each other. Which i think proved to be less than a good idea, because one should always think twice before screaming at the person driving the vehicle you're in. Especially when the driver is a female and happens to be your mother.
But that did not dawn on me for some reason. i got to Kevin's place in a wreck.
It was a good thing i got there though. Good to be in a place where friends generally accept you as are.
Drank quite a bit of beer. Never cared much for beer, but i suppose some occasions call for it. And by God, that was one occasion.

Then things went downhill again as i try to complete the notes for STC at Kevin's in the dead of the night. Bleah. Really need to apologize to Kevin for causing the trouble.Suffice to say little was done and even though i stayed overnight at his place i had to wake up real early, go home and finish it up asap and quietly. Quietly because i'd hate to wake mother up and incur her early morning wrath. Then took a cab hoping to get to STC in time.
And the only thing that didnt go wrong for the STC workshop that Saturday was that the school building did not simply get up and walk away.Everything else screwed up, and i won't frustrate anybody with the details. But somehow, somehow we manage to pull it through. i think the partial hangover and the double mochas helped significantly.

Then its back to school. Back to the same hectic stuff until thursday- Today.
Pou and Donq finally found time for a much-postponed gathering of good old friends. Watched a cool movie- X-Men II and had lunch. Carbonara of course.
Then its back to my place, where we readied our shinais and began sparring. Haven't had so much fun in God knows how long. We spent past three hours just inflicting friendly harm on each other. That was it. If there's anything i ever really want my life to be defined by, it would be martial arts.

(this is actually posted much later)


:: Michael 5/08/2003 08:25:00 AM [+] ::
...