:: are there angels or devils crawling here? ::

:: Sunday, March 30, 2003 ::

And this is for that bunch of fools(not you Grace)-

i'M A CYNIC AND i'M PROUD TO BE A CYNIC!
so fuck you and fuck your beautiful world of sweet flowers and butterflies. Wake up and smell the dried blood, burnt flesh and half-eaten faeces, because you are still dreaming. The world of those who see it as it is is a dark dark place. i don't believe in the imposing of opinions on other people- and for your own sake you should take that as an advice. You live in your faerie land and i'll stay right here. Don't try to cross over here, or worse, pull me over, 'cos i swear to God i'll make you regret it.

And no- i don't have too much of a abusive childhood or a dysfunctional family, and i've had my share of chocolates, i just don't care much for it. Yes- i live in a nice Christian family, i'm never really hard up for cash, i led a normal life and i believe in God. i believe in God because He has a screwed up sense of humour and because HE IS ALSO A CYNIC. You have to cheek to tell me that there are people living lives so much worse off than us. Of course there are! And if you were any smarter, you ought to realize by now that we owe it to them. We owe it to them not to live like there's nothing really wrong in the world. We owe it to them not to think that everything is going to be alright. We owe it to them not to believe that 'everyone should have a chocolate once a day'.

And don't tell me its just my angst working up. That's a real insult. Angst is for naive, immature fools. Angst teaches that the whole world is against you. Well here's a gentle reminder: The world does not revolve around you; it simply can't be bothered. And i'll tell you my definition of a fool. A fool is a blind person who doesn't know he made a mistake, and who never knows what is wrong. If you were a cynic, you will have known that everything is wrong, and everything you ever did was a mistake in some way or other because you are a mistake.

And i'll even tell you what a cynic really is. Its not someone who only looks at the bad side of things. Thats a pessimist. And pessimists are as much fools as optimists are. Cynics are people who look at the good and bad, black and white of things- and laugh and piss at it. Because cynics know there's no such thing as black or white in this world. And cynics will survive. Because when the shit really hits the fans, people like you will be asking "why?".

There is no why.

.
:: Michael 3/30/2003 12:14:00 AM [+] ::
...

My legs were aching on Saturday. But its those kind of aches that you like having around.
Hit town with Peishi on Saturday afternoon. Its always nice to go out with an old friend, especially if she shares the same sentiments about the seconday school you both went to. And she holds up dialogue quite well. That is, she talks and i nod.
Nah, just joking. i can hold up a conversation.
No really.

PS and i went to see an old friend at about 5. Its really saddening to see her in her current state. She used to be one of the brightest girl in class, and very popular. Her results were always exemplary. Plays good basketball and strong-willed. Nice girl, if a bit politicky, and she had things going for her. This year, though, she fainted after a intense PE session and was sent to the hospital. She was in a coma when her parents found out she had a tumor in her brain.
She had to undergo a really delicate surgery.
When she awoke two weeks later, she's no longer her complete self. The surgery left her with more than a ghastly scar. Lets just say her head was not exactly round. Her intelligence went all the way downhill too. She wasn't the sharp-wit talker like before. She can't read and comprehend fully. Her speech is disjointed. She won't be going back to school.
She spents her days now shuttling between hospital and home, and watching chinese variety tv and soap operas.
i'm not saying all this to come to a real inspirational "moral of the story"- because i'm not, i won't and there simply isn't one. This is not a story to be spread, and those people who her ought to be wise enough not to yap around. This girl had dreams. i only wonder where they go.
What do i think? i think God can give us a lot; and He can just as well take it all away. And even if He had a reason to take it all away, she might never be able to understand why.
:: Michael 3/29/2003 11:45:00 PM [+] ::
...

Went for a good long run on Friday evening.
Haven't done that in quite some time, and after this run, i think i missed out. From my house to my old school with some detouring and then back, about 7.5 clicks on a regular pace (for me). When i got to the school, i didn't know whether i should spit at the gate or care at all. What a fucked up place to spent four years in. Ran around it like we used to for PE, which is about 2k, then started on my way back. Caught the sunset on the way. Beautiful thing, and the area near my home is a country club, so its quite scenic. But golf courses are artificial, and i just have to look the other way to see bus stops and HDB flats.
Anyways, my right feet started feeling really numb towards the last bit. i think the knee guard just screwed up the blood circulation. Didn't care though, i was at that point when the momentum is great, and you just want to keep on running. Ultimately- exhilarating. Didn't have the confidence to run like that since the injury, but screw that now. i'm gonna run as often as i can from now on. Build up from scratch again.

Roger Staubach
There are not traffic jams along the extra mile.
:: Michael 3/29/2003 11:14:00 PM [+] ::
...

i'm blogging at 7.30am on a Friday morning.
This is so wrong. i should be in school doing me best not to fall asleep in assembly.

Alright. Get to work. Maybe i could drop by wala-wala tonight for some really good music. But going to wala-wala on friday nights has one big lowdown. You get choked up on smoke.
:: Michael 3/27/2003 04:03:00 PM [+] ::
...

For some reason i'm finding solace in good music more so than ever before.
Maybe its because i got my SlimX player. Maybe its because its easily accesible and free with Kazaa.
Or maybe its because of her and the four years that passed between us.
Ouch.

hmmm.
If i could make love to good music i probably would.
:: Michael 3/26/2003 05:47:00 AM [+] ::
...

All schools up to JC closed till 6th April.
First time this actually happened here, i do believe. Apparently the SARS virus is causing quite a hoohaa here. Actually i'd agree with the quarantine (or whatever you call it). An airborne virus could spread around easier than the slimiest butter. Here's a case study. If only one person is a confirmed host or carrier of the SARS virus in ACJC, and he was there this morning in the air-conditioned assembly hall, how many more people will already be infected by the end of the day?
Ah.
Dunno. Enough.

So we're gonna have an extended break. Frankly, i'm not entirely happy about it. Holidays are always welcome, but at JC2? i think i slacked quite enough during the March hols. Can't afford to slip again. So my resolution for the next ten days is to use it to the fullest to concentrate on catching up with work, and at the same time have enough of a life not to be accused as a mugger. Yep.
Arranged a meeting with my mentor tomorrow. She's 60 years old but she seems younger than my mum. It's been forever since i last went to see her. And i'm feeling really guilty- considering she pulled me out of all those shit i was in during sec4. She's one of the main reason i did well for my Os. Haven't gotten her anything yet. Bleah.

Drinking some fine wine right now.
Here's to the virus, the war, the coming As, and the end of the world.
:: Michael 3/26/2003 04:55:00 AM [+] ::
...

Great news. i'm no longer the Gp rep.
And God bless the next one.
It was a good thing Tan went about her extended comments about my work ethics in the half-dark of the computer room. My adoration for her is blatantly scrawled across my face. She dealt the Detention Class card, and then the Demerit Point Card. Me? Show Hand: i don't give a flying fuck.
Had to rewrite a couple of essays. Bleah.

Here's how i vented, on the ICQ with shaun.

DeAdSane:
if i asked u to murder a teacher for me would u?

[S]LiX:
name?

DeAdSane:
christine tan

[S]LiX:
price : 2.5k

DeAdSane:
2.5cents
she ain't worth shit

[S]LiX:
weaps needed

DeAdSane:
will provide with weaps

[S]LiX:
body disposal

DeAdSane:
ah
find ure own disposal
¡­ok
25dollars tops

[S]LiX:
actually
body disposal is all i need
ill do the rest for free

DeAdSane:
whaaaat
u no pro enuff
i would do it if it weren't so personal

[S]LiX:
i said
dispose the boday

DeAdSane:
¡­fine
u kill
i deal

[S]LiX:
sure not?

DeAdSane:
cross my heart

[S]LiX:
sure ah
as in. seriously because i just got grounded so i dun really mind.

...And thats what friends are for.



:: Michael 3/25/2003 07:43:00 AM [+] ::
...

And from the same website, this is supposed to be my style.

You mix a sporty, ready-to-go look with clean-cut preppy classics. You are on the go, and your wardrobe reflects that. Clothes shopping is an afterthought and you would feel extremely out-of-place in a designer boutique or in a New York City high-end department store. That’s just not your style. You are a down-to-earth, easygoing guy who doesn’t set too much store in appearances.

Yep.
:: Michael 3/24/2003 02:05:00 AM [+] ::
...

i got a link to this website www.colorgenics.com.
pretty impressed with this:

Mood Analysis:
Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

Being impulsive and irritable, your desires and needs are paramount. You do things with insufficient thought - with little regard to the consequences that may follow. As a consequence of this attitude, you may be experiencing stress and conflict. (yep)

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favorite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax. (does sparring count?)

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.

Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled physical or emotional needs are producing considerable stress. You react to this by blaming everyone but yourself. You are aggressive, sarcastic and embittered. Try to be understanding and a little flexible - it will pay dividends in the long run, and it could well be that accordingly all of your dreams could soon be realized.

Wowee. Someone out there understands me.
i feel so glad.



:: Michael 3/24/2003 01:42:00 AM [+] ::
...

Why are tears more painful than blood?
:: Michael 3/23/2003 07:00:00 AM [+] ::
...

Friday and Saturday
Its those times when u realize, fuck the hols are almost over and i've done jack shit. So i dilligently chucked thoughts of work aside.
Donq came by today. He's a great buddy but very seldom get to hang out anymore. He came here from Malaysia to see his sister. She got into a little accident and broke her leg.
Was supposed to meet Ave and Gwen at 7. 10 mins late and found Ave with a friend. Who's evidently upset. Hope she gets over it soon. For some reason both Gwen and Ave were pretty low on funds. But the night was still fun. Dampened somewhat by the incident at a Macdonald's in Boat Quay. Kevin, i know you're dad don't work no more, but seriously please tell someone to uphold the name of "fast-food restaurants"!

i was supposed to have a lunch with Ave for Saturday. But the trouble with having lunch is having it at lunchtime. Places are always packed to a certain degree. So we skipped the meal and just roamed about.
Met up with her friend Fez and roamed some more in Bugis, albeit less aimlessly. And surprise, Ave speaks fluent Malay.
Frankly i felt like a piece of shit. Wandering in Bugis brought back some things i didn't want to remember. Kept to myself after a while. Watch my careless feet retrace paths once trod before. The past and present both possess the same confusion and emptiness, yet the pain is different. It almost as if i aged a thousand years, yet still existing in an eternity of stasis.
Whatever.
:: Michael 3/23/2003 06:59:00 AM [+] ::
...

Thursday
aah. went to school for the Art coursework again.
Yep.
Other than that, no other work done.
Yep.
:: Michael 3/23/2003 06:25:00 AM [+] ::
...

Wednesday
i woke up at home. Woke up too early. And for some reason i woke up with a verse in my head. Its been stuck in my head since Monday when we freestyled. i spent the morning in a half-daze. Then somehow just sat down with a guitar and went about writing the rest of the song.

Ian and Andre came by in the afternoon. i've been looking forward to this: a hand-to-hand full-contact sparring session. But it was tempered by a fact that i was still very tired after the party and my knees are hurting from the dancing. i was left to my boxing skills only. It's all good, though. Exhilarating and esoteric at the same time, i learnt more lessons. One more step forward, on an endless journey. Only bad thing, i guess, was that i injured my elbow. Will take some time to recover.
Its time to get new boxing gloves though. My pair is wearing out.

Went to watch a movie after that. Cradle 2 the Grave. Like most "action-packed" films, it follows a typical plot structure. But the action was good. Dialogue smooth and natural. Well-paced storyline with good soundtrack. And Jet Li. And DMX. Equals good shit.
:: Michael 3/22/2003 06:34:00 AM [+] ::
...

Tuesday. Six hours in school. Stuck in the glass-workshop that smells suspiciously of chrysanthemum. Cup noodles and coffee for lunch. God, c'est la vie for the average artist, non? At least i didn't have to behold the horror that is Ang. Really wished i could have been in the ceramics room. There's something incredibly beautiful about moulding clay. Especially if its shaping the human body. Left the school gates cross-eyed at three in the lazy afternoon, because of all that tracing.

Milieu is actually my first time in a club. i barely got in for ten seconds and i decided i liked it. Tried a Bourbon-Coke and decided i liked that too, although it was hardly strong enough. The music was pretty crappy until the bald-headed DJ got to work. The groove was there, but nobody's on the dance floor. That was remedied soon enough though. The class girls were among the first on the dance floor. Not a surprise- we're AD4.
Gwen was there. Also not a surprise really. And i got introduced to Ave. Incidentally, she's in the same class as Chris. She's a great girl; and i have an enormous flair for understatements.
Got two more shots of Burgundy. Apparently Milieu's idea of a shot is about the size of a tankard in Lilliput- its tiny, hardly enough at all. And Shaun stole my third shot. But it didn't really matter that i couldn't find the buzz, cos the music is good enough. i never really had any experience with club dancing, but i couldn't give a shit. i think the general rule is to shake something to the beat recognisably enough. And looking at the girls, i believe that females are born to dance. Can't quite say the same for some guys though. me included.
Gwen dragged me around and got me to dance in all sorts of predicaments. No complains here though.
Don't really remember how long i danced. i do remember how hot it got though. Didn't help that i wore a sweater. For a while i just hanged about. Waiting for Darshan to come on, but it never did. What a disappointment. Ave lost her phone somewhere along the line. That dampened the mood a little. Don't think she dwelled too long on that though. Smart choice. The party's a hell lot of fun, for me at the least.
Shaun's an imp. That's a fact. He even dances like one. And he does not seem to be tired at all. He is his own drug. Hoped Kevin had gotten into it more. Would have helped if some real good bhangra songs came on.
Bought her a drink and then it was closing time.
3am in the morning, and the crowd more or less disappeared quickly enough. Had my first real contact with Randy. Barely a full sentence spewed out of that dunghole he calls his mouth when i already fell head over heels in love with the idea of throttling him with a blunt rusty knife. He's the embodiment of the type of people i hate most in this world. He reminded me of my secondary school. Bleah.
Apparently some people expressed sentiments that he didnt take too lightly. One wonders why. To sum all the bullshit up, there was a fight. i stayed around to see how it played out. Not exactly out of curiosity or for fun. i wanted to see how well they might do in combat. Which isn't very well. It was crap actually, a bum fight.
Ultimately i thought the affair stupid.
i always remember something my dad said to me so long ago. 'Don't ever, ever get yourself into a fight. But if you do, kill the bastard. Or he'll kill you.'
i love my dad.
:: Michael 3/22/2003 04:59:00 AM [+] ::
...

Quite a bit of update to get on with.

Monday. Went to Claire's place. We were supposed to do a full dramatic reading of Antony and Cleopatra as a way of study. Supposed to. Which obviously meant we didn't really get around to it. We ended up just talking and watching Chicago. And i actually tried to clean her room up... Some things in life you really have to try once before you realize you ought never to do it ever again.
Ian, Grace, Yap Xiong, Phoebe and then Cher Han joined us at about noon for a CWC gathering. Had lunch at the newly opened Pastamania at Junction 8. Its pointless saying what i had, but i have to admit that was the first time i could not finish my carbonara. The cream was really thick. Ian brought a bottle of white wine. Nice.
i have to say, sometimes Phoebe really gets on my nerves. Don't even want to bother recounting the things she said or did. Phoebe lives in a microcosm of naivety of her own metacreations. She enforces a thick barrier against things she does not want to know. It gets worse when she's constantly out to prove something about herself. One day things will come to a head and the barriers she constructed will crush in on her. Call me a cynic but it will happen.
Things actually got better only after she left. We actually tried some freestyle songwriting.


:: Michael 3/20/2003 04:48:00 AM [+] ::
...

Sundays can get more fun than the divine advocation we hear in the House of God.

Met Shaun after leaving church. We were soaking in the ambience and the caffeine at the Starbucks beside Borders at noon. Shaun was lugging his boombox around Orchard. Life's always more interesting with Shaun around. You are constantly at the edge of your seat.
Edgar joined us soon enough. Then i actually went shopping for clothes with these guys. i do believe its the first real time i actually am shopping for clothes with guys. Pretty darn fun, though, so no complains there. Wonder if its just me, or do Shaun and Edgar have some... eclectic fashion preferences. Shaun bought this shirt very possibly because he thought it resembled a part of the bhangra costume. And Edgar's taste tend toward the flashy and the punkish. But it suits him rather well, so thats that. And he's damn fussy. Took him forever to decide :).
We were in Far East Plaza when it happened. Shaun was on an escalator going down when for some obscure reason he called for Chia Ehrn (who was not there). Next thing we knew Shaun was grabbing his little toe and making all sorts of noises. Apparently he somehow managed to injure that toe on the escalator. There was a click i heard when it happened, could be the nail or even the bone. Shaun was very colorful in his commentary of his situation. It must have been a world of pain, it must have hurt...but by God it was HILARIOUS! Shaun can be a one-man one-act comedy show when he's in some pain.
But damn it was merely one hour before we were supposed to go to PLMGS to conduct a bhangra workshop. "Man down man down, over. Requesting backup..."
Anyways Shaun always brings around this roll of bandage in his bag. Its basically used as a legitimate reason to skip PE lessons. Now its put to real use, when he got his feet embalmed into a bun.
Moral of the story: Don't use bandages for false reasons- its bad luck.

3.45pm and we're at PLMGS. Edgar joined us for the heck of it. The first thing we noticed were four very big and noticeable words splashed across the the Methodist Girl's School's facade: Look up, Lift Up. Aah. Talk about double entendre.
Long story short, Jas, Shaun and i more or less taught the 40 or so girls about half of Darshan. They were part of the GB company camping there. At first we thought they were pretty uninterested or unenthusiastic about the whole thing. But then surprising enough they wanted more time past their schedule to dance it out. Shaun was KOed for about half the time because of his toe, but he still tried to do it. Then i twisted my weak knee again at one point, then again...and then again. Twisted it three times in two hours. Thats a record, but they were pretty minor so i could keep it up. But it was mostly Jas. Must have been funny, one guy teaching bhangra and two manjans hobbling around and one jock stoning at the corner.
But i guess everone had fun. That's what bhangra is all about. Thanks to Michele and Kat for getting us there.

:: Michael 3/16/2003 07:26:00 AM [+] ::
...

At least there's something to do on this Saturday. NKF Flag Day.
Had to be school by 730am. We were on the streets at 800am. 800am, hordes of students in the streets demanding donations for a rich organisation from people who are barely awake on a weekend morning.
Didn't quite go at it immediately. With whats present of the class, we got ourselves to a certain coffeeshop in Somerset for breakfast. It was packed and it didn't help that three retards were sitting at the entrance making feeble attempts at provoking us. ACSians aren't welcome at some places, i guess, especially right in front of rafflesians. i was just waiting for the bald guy to make a direct insult, and then i could make the day a little more interesting. Have you seen coffeeshops freshly painted with a certain tinit of red? No? Next time, maybe.
The plan was actually to catch a movie, but somehow that didn't come to pass. We split up and began to put up an appearance of work ethics. Waimin and i patrolled Orchard until we finally settled outside Tangs. That was an ARMY out there, and we were at war. Everywhere i turn my head i see people with the donation bag. We're like piranhas, and we're preying on the people out to have a nice Saturday. We're torturing them. Isn't that amazing? The Singapore Government has effectively destroyed the presence of beggars here, but only to replace them with hordes of liscensed, involuntary, unsalaried students thrusting bags or cans at anything that has a pulse and mumbling incantations to summon fragments of their disposable income. Did you know that crime syndicates also have a conscription programme where they dress "volunteers" up in humiliating and impoverished-seeming costumes and dump them in the streets as custom-made beggars to generate some form of income? One must notice the parallels, especially in view of the fact that we were told to do this in our bright yellow shirts.
Between the both of us, we actually managed to squeeze a bit of enthusiasm and fun out of the event and somehow procured quite a bit of money from the people.
When we met up with Cherie, Joy, Edgar, Valene and Steph at the Heeren, we were pretty darn tired. They had a meal at Sakae Sushi, but i wasn't about to fork out the sum of money for that, and neither did Waimin. But then about ten minutes later, i had almost no qualms when i dished out 30 bucks for a graphic novel. Oh well, i feed on fine words and good art.

Things got really boring when i got home. Lonely, too. Used to be looking forward to Saturdays, now i sometimes dread it. i should be doing some work. But heck i can't get around to it.
:: Michael 3/15/2003 02:45:00 AM [+] ::
...

(Thursday's entry that just got posted)

Went to Tekong yesterday.
i think its my fourth time there. The other three times was because of NCC. i must admit there is smething beautiful about that place- its literally where boys are made to men. Its just one more year before i get to step in asa a recruit. Crazy enough, i'm looking forward to it. Of course there's a bit of apprehension and uncertainty, but i believe thats normal. i've been wanting to serve since i was a kid listening to my dad reminiscing about his time there. i'm really proud of my dad and his achievements in the army, even though he's sometimes pretty muddle-headed nowadays... i really hope somehow they'll see past the glasses and my ligament tear and actually allow me to go for the Commando course. And Ranger, and Sniper. Follow my dad's footsteps.
Speaking of my knee. i curse the day i tore the ligament. What the fuck. That day was the only day i ever really screamed in my life and thinking about it is still enough to make me cringe. Four years ago, one day after the exams and two days before the competition, in the basketball court. Believe it or not, i was a swimmer, long distance runner and a power forward for basketball. Plus NCC. God gave me all these and for some reason he chose to take them away. Even till today i am still unable to completely comprehend why He did this. Now i'm piece of crap. i can't run as well anymore. Can't play basketball half as aggressively as before. Can't fight with my full capacity. Can't this can't that. More than just because of a weak knee, its also my fear of the looming possibility that if i push too hard, somehow i would twist the torn ligament again. Maybe i'm just a bloody wuss.
Tried not to let this injury impair me too much. i take on physical training as often as i can, try to push the limits, even do a bit of Parkour (jumping around like a madfuck) and keep up with the martial arts pursuit. Then the pain would come back with a smile, and then it would hurt. A lot. Then i'll stop for a while. Then keep at it again until the pain returns. What a fool i make of myself.
i thank you, Lord, for giving me this pain and this fear. i thank you. Praise the Lord, for whom i must thank for everything.
But if it is in Your will...Take it away, Lord. Take the pain and the fear away. You are the One who gives, and the very same One that can take it all away Lord. There's so much in my life i want to do. And so much of all that are just in front of me, but its so far away. Only You can bring me there Lord.
In Your name, Lord. Amen.

"its alright, its ok. i think God can explain..."
:: Michael 3/13/2003 07:25:00 AM [+] ::
...

Didn't help that my weekend sucked.
i woke up on Saturday still in an undead stupor. i had resolved to actually do some work but for some reason i could not gather the conviction to. Such a fool that is michael. Saturdays used to mean something better. but now its just stoning in the house, rereading the newspaper again. Times like that i just bloody wish my goldfish memory will surface: Oh! Didn't know this chair was here- what an interesting house i live in.
Sat down in front of my comp. Seldom, if never, played games anymore. Just put on some music and tried to fill a few more pages of the screenplay. Not much done.
Then that was that. i called an old friend out and went for a movie: Chicago. At least there's something good about that damn day.
Went home and realized not even my maid was at home, and my brother apparently took my keys. So i'm locked out of my home at 9.30pm on a Saturday evening. Had to go to Jurong, pick up the keys and drift home.
Sunday was even better. i realized i smashed my handphone for the last time last night. The screen shattered, and when i tried to switch it on it sounded like a fucking monotoned disco. Swell. Went to church and wished i could gather my thoughts enough to have a decent conversation with Him. Got on a bus for home in a dank afternoon. And then i twisted my weak knee for the first time in so long. And get this, all it took was the jerk the bus gave when it starts off the bustop. It hurt. A lot.

And Monday started with Kelvyna Tan indulging in a very extended exposition before going into a very extended motivational speech that ceased that have its required effect after the 40271st syllable. Add to the fact that i was very late for an urgent appointment with the toilet. Plus Miss J was sitting beside me and she looked very upset about something. Wonder what it was, she looked like she just cried a bit.
Got the literature results today. None too pleased with it. And then both the history papers. i thought i could at least do well for Paper 1, but no. Barely passed. And Paper 3 was an outright fail: 8/25. Teachers told me i should have studied. Ok. Only i actually did. Bet u never noticed that Mr Lam. With all due respect, i think Lam scores his papers first based on how many pages you write. i could be wrong, of course, i could just be being a disgruntled bastard loser sonovaparaplegicbitch. Maybe i could try to widen my font and try for extended pages next time. And if i still suck, well, what's new.
Yipee.

There's a bit of fun today though. Went for Art in the stainedglass room during Chinese with Kevin and found half the Art cohort there. We had real fun just fooling around for three periods straight. That usually happens as long as Ang is out of the equation. Its only after the much needed fun that i realized i missed out on Mr Lam's lecture. He probably thought i'm skipping it on purpose because i'm sulking. That's just wrong. i don't sulk, i hate sulking as much as i hate suicide and tellytubbies.
Worked on a test piece of sculpture after school. Did a bust of a male figure. Its recognisably human and thats nice considering i never did this before.

By the way, one more good news. i got my hands on this song by Joy and got some people to hear it. Its amateur recording but they know the voice definitely is not amateurish. That was an understatement- or have you noticed? Anyway, found a really good studio for her to do a master album. Could be a good start for her, and God grants talents for good reasons.
The song's called When Beauty's Gone. And i hope Joy will post the lyrics somewhere, although you don't really need it once you hear the song itself.
:: Michael 3/10/2003 01:59:00 AM [+] ::
...

Mondays.
Bleah.
:: Michael 3/10/2003 01:40:00 AM [+] ::
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Mrs Tan announced ACJC being ranked as 5th today. The 'A' level results that came out yesterday turned out pretty well.
Was there yesterday when the J3s got their results. That was one moment of nirvana that scared the white shit out of me. i have to thank Him for Grace and Ian first though. Grace got straight As . When i actually touched her result slip, it felt like a flat piece of diamond dust. That one piece of treasure represented all the hard work, effort, time, prayers and cross-eyed mugging that she put in. i wanted to just grab that slip, frame it and place it in my room as a sort of motivation, but more for its foreboding effect- "Haha Michael you will never get this." But i think Grace saw that look in my eyes and promptly retrieved her result slip.
Happy for Ian too. He was hilarious actually. Ian was doing an impressive job of freaking himself out when i saw him walk into school. He was shaking and sweating and blabbering gibberish. i was there when he got his results. He didn't have to kill himself. He was still trembling.
It was scary. Some were grinning like mad Frankensteins on a cocaine high; some were miserable.
It is scary to think of myself one year from now. i'll be in this hall awaiting judgement for my sloth, foolishness and plain existence. i pray with all of my rotten heart that i will not be looking at my results and feel regret. i don't want to hear myself say "what if"s or "if only"s. Please no. i have to snap out of my daze real soon.
:: Michael 3/07/2003 05:19:00 AM [+] ::
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ACJC: Cross-Country Champions yet again, third time in a row.
5th March 2003.

Yea.
Fact is, i really have no idea what to say to give justice to what we all felt at Sentosa yesterday. We have watched Chester in his long and uneven journey to arrive at this day. The class was out in force. i was pretty pumped up.
"This is it, man, today's the day."
Somehow we got to place ourselves just before the finishing line. There was quite a bit of waiting. The hot sun was perhaps a little too enthusiastic. Watched so many runners go past us. Every one of them has a story. And then the Girls-team went past us. There was at most 30 of us there, very much outnumbered by the Victorians there. But when every girl wearing the red blue and gold runs past, those Victorians probably couldn't hear themselves anymore. The last of the A-division girls crossed the line, and i found myself looking at that bend on the route with my heart beating expectantly. The wait was agonizing.Then the first runner came round the bend. Red, Gold and Blue. It was Paul. We drowned ourselves in our frenzied cheers, although it was not quite as intense as it was imagined. One after another bounded past us.
Where's Chester?
He did clear that bend in the tenth position. God knows we went nuts then. Beethoven might have covered his ears from six feet under. So proud of him. Hardly mattered at all that he was not the first one to cross the finish line. He played the team game and with his run secured the champion status of the AC Cross-team. The other schools in our vicinity either shut up or we couldn't be bothered to hear anything from them. He did it. Thank God for His blessings.

They had the AC flag draped upon their shoulders when they took their trophies. i was snapping away with Waimin's camera during and after the prize presentation. There was so much to capture and so much to remember. i wish i didn't have to leave. But there was a family dinner somewhere. Damn.

Hope Chester is reading this. 'Cause i'm so happy for you. you're an inspiration and a lesson to my walk with God. I found this song lately and loved it. Here's going out to Chester, the Cross-team, and Class 2AD4- which includes you, Karin. And Yap Xiong.
Superman: Its Not Easy To Be Me by David Gray:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be... me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd
But dont be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed
But wont you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And its not easy to be... me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well its alright
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy ... or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man
In a silly red sheet
Digging for Kryptonite
On this one way street
Only a man
in a phoney red sheet
Looking for special things
Inside of me

Inside of me...
Inside of me...
Inside of me...
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a phoney red sheet
I'm only a man looking for a dream
I'm only a man
In a phoney red sheet

Its not easy

It's not easy to be me.
:: Michael 3/06/2003 06:41:00 AM [+] ::
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i'll be trying to keep this one short.
Blogging right now because i'm actually taking a break from the screenplay i'm typing. Its not easy because of two things: 1) There's this disgusting bug in the scriptwriting programme that screws up the text. i can't use apostrophes, which means when i spell something like "couldn't", it'll come out as some weird hieroglyphics. This is me frustrated. 2) Dialogue. One big screw-up in Singaporean films and tv is the unnatural, cliched, lame, stupid, awkward and pathetic dialogue. God, they talk like Stephen Hawkings. I've got a mission and thats to have good dialogue in my scripts, and that takes quite a bit of editing and thinking. 3) I'm really tired.

Got the Econs paper back today. Failed, naturally. Wondering exactly what i actually have to do for me not to flunk this again.
Well, at least i got to do a bit of swimming today. Lots of people hate swim PE, and i believe they have reason to. But me, i just wanna have fun. Although very often fun comes with a by-product of looking stupid.
Had the word FOOL written across my left fist. Figured if i inked the words thick enough, i could stamp the word on people by punching them. i know cos i tried it on myself.
Ain't i the smart one.
AC's having a rugby match against the UWC this evening- damn i had to go home. So anyways, Kevin- KICK some BUTT!

And tomorrow, tomorrow. After going through so much, Chester will face his test tomorrow- The Cross Country Nationals at Sentosa. But he'll have nothing to worry about really. He's prepared, he's ready and he'll be running with God's breath as his wind. i personally believe he's already winning the Race, and this one is but one more step forward. Go Chester-- we'll all be there tomorrow, never to be any pressure, but simply as friends who'll be waiting for you at the end of the line.

"I can do all things in him who strengthens me."
____________Phillipians 4:13
:: Michael 3/04/2003 04:53:00 AM [+] ::
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Yesterday was probably the first Sunday when i actually decided to step back into youth ministry... after a extended holiday away. For up to two years i have been avoiding service and dodging the youth ministry. That was when i thought that the church had said the same things one time too many- it sounded like an agonizingly prolonged chant.
There were many questions i couldn't find answers to. And when i look to people in church, many just can't answer, and others just seem to beat about the bush. And as things in my life worsened, i actually told myself that screw it, i'll find my answers myself, and elsewhere.
i did find answers. Which lead to even more questions. Didn't i mention somewhere that God has a weird sense of humour?
Long boring stupid pathetic story short, i'm back where i started in a certain sense. But so different now. The message for that Sunday was a straight punch from Boss up there- He decrees: Wake up your bloody idea.
Yes, Boss.

Donq and Pou Wee came by that afternoon. Martial arts and sparring is one addiction that is absolutely healthy. Thats not to say it doesn't hurt. i got bludgeoned on my right-hand knuckles and fingers again and again. Ouch. Thats what happens when you don't fight with armor- but thats the way i love it.

Today today...i skipped Art class today. Ang is not in school- some medical appointment or something. Skipped Art. God, i feel so heroic.
Finally managed to get Chester informed about the film's outline. Started writing the script itself already, and hopefully we'll have a first draft to work with by next month. Even then, there's the equipment, schedule, casting, siting, editing and such. But i really really want this done right this time. Praying for guidance, endurance and faith.
Gee- and there's still the essay Val's sister wants.

Shaun came over to my place this afternoon. Apparently he wouldn't mind travelling miles and paying $8 just so he could find a place to kill time. i'm not complaining, company is always welcome. Even if its the imp himself. My parents treated him to dinner, eating Chinese food. But all who knows Shaun will acknowledge his extraodinary powers at consuming annything before him. He ate three times of what i had. And i was spared small talk with my parents as Shaun performs yet another of his tricks: Eating lots of food and talking a whole lot of stuff AT THE SAME TIME! Isn't that rather amazing? Go Shaun.

Chester's run is on Wednesday. So much is placed upon him, and i pray to the Good Ol' Lord that he finds the strength to face it all and overcome them one by one. This has been a spiritual journey for him, and i have learnt so much from his walk with God. So step by step then, step by step.

"Put one foot in front of the other. I'll let you decide which one first. Don't try to pick them both up at the same time though."
"Very funny."
---David Eddings
:: Michael 3/03/2003 05:29:00 AM [+] ::
...

Came home after roaming aimlessly about in town.
That was stupid.
It'd probably be a good idea not to set foot in town if you're alone and bored. Because it doesn't make things better.

Go home. Find some more constructive things to occupy myself with.
Ponder a little less sometimes.
:: Michael 3/01/2003 05:07:00 AM [+] ::
...