:: are there angels or devils crawling here? ::

:: Friday, February 28, 2003 ::

Woke up this morning and just realized why i went nuts last night.
But thats for me to know, and for you to realize you probably already know.
i think i'm becoming a worse asshole than before. i used to care about things, now i just can't give a fuck. Wonder if i screwed up Ian's and Andre's night yesterday with my i'm-looking-for-a-fight face. Oops.
My bag stinks of smoke.
Saturday morning. i think i need some company.
i believe what i wrote in the last entry constitutes my worse work ever. Face it, michael, you suck.
:: Michael 2/28/2003 06:52:00 PM [+] ::
...

12:30am.

Just arrived home ten minutes ago.
A night spent in a pub to choke
on good music, mediocre booze
and the stink of incessant smoke.

You never cared much for alchohol,
or ever found the toleration
for the smoke that floated
in the air like undead coloration.

Yet now you can't seem
to care. Can't seem to bother.
So you indulge in a feast
of the pale gold of dull liquor.

And you wade in the mockery
that is the foggy air of decay.
The sneering wisps that ooze
from careless lips and idle trays.

But thats alright. The blare of
good music too loud bars
your tears, in the wash of
thick beer and eager cigars.

Yet Drunken Bliss cared not for you
Even though you really tried.
Only that you cared enough
to go home for the night.

Been writing again apparently, after i had my first real experience at a place like that. Ian had a bet with Kris that i would be carried out of WalaWala tonite, seeing as the way i drank like a mad fool. He lost the bet though. i barely felt a buzz, even thougt he and i worked real hard to win him that bet. Sorry Ian. Maybe next time.

Missed the Founder's Day Celebrations today accidentally on purpose. And arrived at the Art meeting quite late accidentally on purpose. Ang, in her usual talent of magnamity simply screwed up almost everybody's marks. It'd wouldn't be an understatement to say that everyone in that room were having fantasies of forcing acrylic paint down her throat. I got a 50 out of a 100, and i'm one of the luckier bastards. And i thought that just maybe my painting skill did improve a little. But no. And she just went on to diss everyone's work one by one- felt like a slaughterhouse.
After a while, you more or less understand that the best way to achieve a distinction in Art is to lick her wrinkled ass.

Oh and during the session, this idiot came to the room asking Mr Dan to return him his handphone, which got confiscated because it rang in the middle of the celebrations. Dan told him he could only get it back on Monday. And after that things just when downhill. The guy actually started raising his voice against Mr Dan. Not the smartest thing in the world. The idiot didn't even realize he was making a complete jackass of himself. Ultimately he achieved nothing except waste our time. What an idiot.

Real busy for some reason nowadays. Blogging has become a great outlet for me, but i constatnly find myself too tired to write a good one lately...
:: Michael 2/28/2003 08:39:00 AM [+] ::
...

Wrote a quick poem today at CWC. Its for those J1s who'll be getting their results tomorrow. i pray that for God's guidance and Love to be upon you all tomorrow. And i pray that our juniors find their way.

One Year

It is strange to
Look upon what I'd been
A year ago
And feel so much older.

It is strange to
Believe in a yesterday
A year ago
That I scarce remember.

A year ago,
Dreams promise reality.
And it is strange to
Find them lost in time.

A year ago,
I was seeking tomorrow.
It is strange to
Be lost in yesterday
Today.


Don't usually write about this things. Not very good at it.
Just got a call-- at 1.21am in the morning. My friend just got locked out of her house. As bad as this may sound under the circumstances, i think that was really stupid. She should have taken things into account and have alternatives, but no, she's playing basketball apparently with two other guys. Being ugly about it, she asked for it. And she called me. What am i supposed to do- let her in my house?
What the fuck. i really just slammed her on the telephone. Don't ever do something so dumb. If you're going to take all night shooting balls at hoops, and knowing your mom would lock you out-- DON'T GO HOME. Stay over at your friend's house. Or please keep track of the time.
What the fuck.

:: Michael 2/27/2003 09:10:00 AM [+] ::
...

26th January 2003, Wednesday's Entry (blogger still screwing up)

Apparently Ang decided to fail me anyway. Out of the entire Art cohort, only six managed to get by. that means all the rest has to stay back on Friday after the Founder's Day thingy and probably have a retest... She is such a bitch. And i still can't find my paints and paintbrushes. i believe that the concept of creativity and appreciation is either completely foreign or entirely subjective for Ang. Creativity, it seems, is attained the moment you swallow the bile of your imagination and do exactly what she wants you to do; appreciation is when she is in a less foul mood.
What the hell.

Anyways, Kevin brought this Techdeck miniature skateboard thingamajig- as a belated birthday present. Damn, been wanting something like that since the first time i saw Kwan scoot his own techdeck around. Thanks a lot man! The only problem now is how i'm going to get around to use it, cos other than push the thing around and making a fool out of myself, i don't know how to skate it like Kwan does. Thats ok, i'll work on it.

Mass PE was actually quite fine today. At least i could go through the shit Gurmit puts us through without being too tired. Yet the sick thing is at the very last length of the very last round we ran, i just got this sudden stitch in my abdomen, and i just stumbled. Dammit, i was, what, 20meters from the end point? So screwed up.

My friends came over in force today. Its Wednesday- that's when we gather for an afternoon of sparring. Four hours straight, we just went at it. I learnt so much today. It hurt somewhat- but thats a logical conclusion in view of the fact that we have no armor or protection on to ward off the sword blows. it mattered little, Kenjutsu is what makes Wednesdays great.

Very tired now. Turning in soon. CWC tomorrow.

Just a lesson i learnt:
that the most crucial thing that you cannot afford
to sacrifice in the name of "Love"
Next to God
is your self.
:: Michael 2/27/2003 08:46:00 AM [+] ::
...

25th January 2003, Tuesday's entry. (blogger.com wasn't working well)

i put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
i can't look at you
While i'm lying by myself

it's an alteration from the song 'Picture', and it just puts in words what i'm feeling today. i was trying to clear up the mess in my room. can't stand the crap that accumulated over the exam term... and i just had come across pictures of times before. It wasn't pleasant. In fact, it really hurt.
But sometimes you don't do things you want to do.
You do because you have to.
i really placed a great part of myself in something that apparently would never work out. And sometimes when I look at myself, I have to tell myself that inside i really changed. And it wasn't necessarily for the better.
Now I just try to do a lot of things. Make a film, go out, workout, get a blog,... and I guess its all good. Like how I screwed up during swim PE today, that was fun. But then i'll have to go home and I have to find myself alone¡K and still find things to do, like trying to tidy up my room. But not today, not anymore tonight. Put the picture away. Sat down and cry today.

i'll work on my website then.
Songs are the endorphins of the silence inside. Michael Learns to Rock has this song ¡§Breaking My Heart", and this is one song closest to what's left of my heart now. Find this song, download it, and maybe just listen to it with me.

Breaking My Heart
I'm on the floor
Counting one minute more
No-one to break the silence

Staring into the night
all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You¡¦re breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You¡¦re breaking my heart again

-Michael Learns to Rock

:: Michael 2/27/2003 08:27:00 AM [+] ::
...

Exams are over today.
Yay.
i hope i wrote enough for the Literature paper to secure a decent score, and i hope what i blabbered on that two pieces of paper could make enough sense. As for Art, i made a mistake this morning. i actually went to see Ang before the assembly in the morning. After i presented and pitched what i'm gonna do, she went on to destroy my prep work. She effectively dissed 90% of what i did and rejected my final piece. She basically meant this: you're going to fail anyway Michael. So for those ppl who think Art is a breeze-- you have no idea. Anyways just 20 minutes before the start of the paper, i decided to just do whatever i wanted. This is MY Art. Yea. Only i didn't bring any paint or paintbrush along. This is an equivalent to going to war without your weapon, your left sock and wearing a bright pink shirt with the words: I LOVE RAINBOWS splayed across the chest. But thats okay, i scrambled about gathering ammo. Thanks Christina, and Michele. And Thank God i actually managed to come up with something at least vaguely recognisable even though i suck at painting and i never practised for this piece before.
Caught the movie Catch Me if You Can today. Excellent movie, one of those based-on-a-true-story dramatizations that worked out perfectly. The story follows a master of frauds as he lives an externally explosive yet internally crumbling life. Add a funky FBI officer hot on his heels (Tom Hanks, no less), and you have a powerful story in the making. i would tell you the ending but i think i shouldn't spoil it. its not like a superduper twist-at-the-end kind, but great anyhow. All i'll say is that if God ever gave anyone a talent for cool crimes, its in Frank.
Ok, no more- i have to rush out Creffield's essay. Wish me luck.
:: Michael 2/24/2003 05:27:00 AM [+] ::
...

i'm going to talk about yesterday. Cos nothin much happened to day
One thing i didn't mention about yesterday was the chief examiner for Econs in the badminton hall yesterday. Good Lord thats one text-book example of a microphone-slobber. She can just talk and talk and crap the same old things with that same old monotone. Its unbelieveable. i wonder if she has family... Listening to her got tears into my eyes- out of absolute boredom or exasperation i can't even bother to find out. i think the Soviet Empire collasped because Gorbachev didn't hire her to bore all resistance to nothingness.

Anyway, Claire and i just decided to take a half day off after the paper. Chester was going to join us but he had training. Claire couldn't decide where to have lunch. Its the AD4 Decision Syndrome, i tell you. Eventually, i got her to try the Jap food at Takashimaya. Good stuff they have there. i believe Claire will agree with me. Vehemently. Can't believe she hadn't tried those out yet.
We could have gone for a movie if Claire didn't have the stupid Chinese tuition. Claire- that Chinese bitch is just trying to suck your financial veins dry. Your Chinese exams are over and i refuse to believe you came any close to failing. So just tell her to fuck off, and get another, preferrably human this time, Chinese tutor for your sister. And this is NOT over the movie. Ok a little but thats not the point.
Bought the Daredevil TPB comic at Indie's shop today.
Good shit.(been using that term quite a bit lately)
Have to clarify: i did NOT buy this because of the upcoming movie. i'm NOT a hype-donkey. i bought this is for two reasons. 1) Because its written by Brian Michael Bendis, the God of Noir Graphic Novel Writing. 2) Because the art is done by Alex Maleev, the God of Noir Graphic Novel Art. 3) Because the movie is coming out.
Yea.
But seriously, whenever Bendis and Alex team up to undertake any job, its a must-buy. The idea of superheroes in tights (which i detest) undergoes a major metamorphosis. The shiny and invincible posterior of those-who-wear-their-undies-externally is destroyed, replaced by a much more mature, realistic, gritty and intense layer of streetdirt. i will read anything Bendis writes and i will take anything that Alex draws. Even if it means going against my religion- like if they actually do a comic on the tellytubbies. Because Bendis will make them say "Fuck" with style, and Alex will give them enough fingers to flip the bird.

At HMV, Claire fretted on which VCDs she wanted to buy. Which is more or less everything on the racks. She finally decided on 8 Women. Good choice, i'd say. That movie is just so... French.

Having the Literature paper on Monday and Art. Wonder if i have to study for Lit. And as for Art- God bless. Good Luck to Kev and Michele...

:: Michael 2/22/2003 08:35:00 PM [+] ::
...

i got a slap in the face today. Sitting for two and a half agonizing and freezing hours in the badminton hall trying to wring my brain cells for some measure of intelligence certainly constitutes quite a slap. Feel somewhat cheated, cos i seriously studied for this paper, only to suffer a mental blackout when the situation demands it. When i got to the essay part, i literally just sat in that cold seat stoning for almost half an hour. And i prayed to God. i have thanked God many times in my prayer, but seldom have i asked Him for something. i prayed he let me be able to think and put to use what i read.
i guess to an extent he heard me. i just started to write something and stuff just came out. i don't really know if its right, but at least its an improvement from absolutely nothing. i wrote quite a bit. But when the time is up, i had the last two questions left completely blank- no time. So divine intervention or not, i'm still gonna fail. Thats entirely my fault- i didn't really deserve to pass. But i did learn some lessons. My relationship with God has been on the down lately. i have complete faith in Him, and i know he'll see me through my tribulations. The problem with me is that there are some things i literally argue with Him about, and for the past two years i've struggling like a mad pig in an abbatoir...

Its time i come back before Him.

I always thought He ignored my incessant questioning, but i have to acknowledge now that His silence has been my answer. And i am one step closer... Because for me, the meaning of life is in seeking the answers to questions. And seeking is not to find.

Thank You Lord. For yet another lesson. For yet believing in me even when i deny myself, or even deny you in my naivety.
:: Michael 2/22/2003 12:57:00 AM [+] ::
...

Didn't do an entry for yesterday, mainly for two reasons. One, nothing much happened yesterday cos i din go to school. Two, i had to prepare for the history paper today and blogging would just kill my appetite for studying. Three, i couldn't have scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Ok, so i can't count. So? SO?
The term exams start today. Gp and History. GP was alright more or less. What more is there to bitch about media encouraging violence when back home you're rallying people to blast some sandy iraqi ass to mincey pieces, right Bush? As for history, well, history is history so let's just leave it at that. i mean, whats there to talk about when you have so much to crap about in the source-based question and you write you so slowly that you took so long to finish the essay leaving you with just a little more than two milliseconds to write your second essay which you correctly pre-empted and prepared for but just couldn't puke out your points fast enough so you probably flunked it anyway. So since there isn't much to say about the paper, i won't try.

The class mirror got nicked today. It was ostensibly missing when i went into class before assembly this morning. So now it joins the cupboard, the benches, the window decorations, and all the missing books in the casualty list. This is just the limit. All these stuff held significance for the class. The mirror has been with the class since the AD4 Big Bang last year, and it means quite a bit for me. This is Michael absolutely pissed. If i find that messed up, ass-ripped, tellytubby, worthless piece of wormshit, i'll make sure he/she wished his/her father wore a supersafe condom when he sticked mum. Pardon me French. And God bless the pieces of his/her soul when i'm just about done.
Another thing that got me feeling pretty outraged three days ago was a piece of news i read about. A Temasek Poly student got beaten so badly his eyes couldn't even close when he died. The news was that he got "led away" by a gang of punks, and outnumbered in a staircase in the Lucky Chinatown Shopping Centre. Apparently he picked up a wallet in a games arcade, and the punk leader, this fool in his 30s, claimed it was his and things just went downhill. i always despised gangsters, and this just reminds me exactly why. Gangsters are dishonorable, wussed-up, cowardly, redundant filth that have no use in this universe other than to rot themselves to degenerative matter. Thinking of this just makes my blood boil. Disgusted. Really wish i could do something. Pray that God teaches us a lesson in this...

Other than these stuff, today turned out to be quite cool actually. Amazing i can enjoy myself at all in the midst of the exams. i joined Jas, Kat, Joy, Chia and Valene at the school gates after the paper today. It took them forever to decide where they wanted to go- which isn't surprising really, cos AD4 always takes forever to decide on stuff like that. Eventually, just two minutes before a wispy, white beard sprouted spontaneously from my chin, they found Orchard the better choice. We took a train there. And during the trip i realized there was a very interesting topic being discussed. And i will most definitely reveal its explicit content if only i knew what they were talking about at all. Because all that was running through my ears were good, sophisticated and moving songs. lalalalala. elmo song. Yea.
Kat and Valene found some pressing engagements somewhere else and scooted off. Joy was also thinking about going home when i issued her a death threat. It worked- she stayed. Apparently Joy was quite attached to her neck and would like it to stay right where it belongs, thank you. We finally found ourselves at the Scott's food court. Kept trying to get Jas to try some stuff from Pastamania, but he didn't. i'd like to think he more or less regretted not listening to me after he got a taste of my carbonara. Long live Carbonara, long live italian cheese, long live the mafia. God, if i ever do have a wife all she has to be is be able to cook real good carbonara. And not watch tellytubbies. And not smoke. And only a little bit more other stuff.
So its Jas, Chia, Joy and me. We had a great time, just talking and talking and crapping. Wish there were more chances to just hang around and burn some good time together with the best of people. Then Chia had to leave. Quite a shame, cos she's such a cool gal to have around. Unfortunately she was impervious to my death threats...as Joy aptly puts it: "Nice try, Mike". Stayed at the place until 3.30pm. We happen to have things to do, homes to return to, blogs to write and parental nagging to listen to. Oh well.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine
-Higher,
Creed
:: Michael 2/20/2003 05:07:00 AM [+] ::
...

This is great. Finally got the SlimX player yesterday.
Good shit.
This funky little bugger can play CDs, mp3s, wma, asf, and any other audio format you can remember. It plays the radio waves too, in case I actually run out of songs to hear. What else-- its shock free, comes with a real cool LCD controller, and its programming can be updated online, in case a mp4 or somethin comes into existence.
Now i have music. Now i have some soul. Now my footsteps won't seem that quiet and lonely sometimes. yea.

Chester's being emotionally violated by a homosexual recently. Hilarious. He got this message from some anonymous fellow asking him if he was gay and that he'd be discreet about it if he was. FREEZE FRAME: at this point of time, a normal heterosexual homosapien would choose one of the following- a) Fuck off! b) Who are you? c) Fuck off! d) (anything along the lines of NO)... CUT TO: but what does our dear Chester do? He replies "Yes".
...
Now in his defense, Chester does NOT have butt-plugging tendencies, and he thought the whole thing was a prank. But, Chester, if i were you, i would not take the chance. i would scream a resounding no. And then I'll go run seven million miles and impress the whole universe by not even breaking a sweat. And smile 24/7. :)
You know, actually i just might say yes too, then invite the guy somewhere quiet and romantic. Then i'll show him this real big and sharp pair of scissors i brought just for him...

Another funny thing that happened today was with Jamie Tan. She came in to class and basically said that half of what she said in class yesterday should not be taken seriously. Apparently Monday mornings have adverse effects on her psyche, and half of what she says are somewhat grammatically correct gibberish. How cool is that. i want to have hallucinations on Monday mornings too. But then i believe i already have my own share of psychological abnormalities.
Haha, imagine Ms Yue coming in one morning and saying that half of what she said in the first term were grammatically correct bullshit. i personally would believe her immediately.

i became Claire's mobile ATM machine today. There was the Bookmania today, and i owe her a birthday present. You do the Maths. So she dragged me to the Hub and listen to her fret about how she wants to buy the house down, and trying not to break in a cold sweat. She finally asked me to decide upon one between this two books: Book A and Book B (i forgot their titles). I chose Book A for her. Wait ,no, i think its Book B that i picked instead. So then i bought Book B for her. And at precisely the same time, she picked up Book A and bought it anyway.
What the hell.
Females.
Oh yeah, helped Cherie bargain for a book down to $38 from $42. Four dollars, what a feat of persuasion there... And Chia wanted to buy books on Leadership and Soccer. Those 'For Dummies' books. But then i didn't think she needed them at all. And she's no dummy either.
Got a letter from my angel today. Didn't know i had one, actually. Based on what she wrote i already have an idea who she is, but that matters little. She was pretty apologetic for not having written earlier, though i was hardly pissed at all. Just glad she wrote. I wrote back, and my letters tend to be so long. Oh well.

Received a little news about cecile today... It was not good news. She crossed a line that was drawn when we were together. Its not anything like she found somebody or anything, 'cause thats up to her now and i'll respect that. Its just some things i don't like her dabbling with. i have to say i'm pretty disappointed. Wonder if i should bother to care at all...

Whatever. Not going to school tomorrow. I'll be staying home to get some last minute studies done. Or, failing that, pray real hard. Good luck for everyone, hope the block exams would serve as a slap in the face, a wake-up call, if nothing else. God bless all you funky people. And God bless rainy days.

:: Michael 2/18/2003 04:39:00 AM [+] ::
...

The block exams are just round the tight corner. i believe its high time i start putting on a semblance of studiousness... Still remember the econs test last thursday. Really fucked up that one there. Jas was beside me and he had like 2 pages of stuff, and me i'm stumped on the first half of the first page. Man, am i in trouble. i didn't study, nor did i pay attention during the lectures. Sort of got lost after the Keynesian part... But watever. Have to somehow put aside my problems and get down to it. J2 now

Speaking of which, the juniors got this KFC tub of cookies and brownies made just for us, from Michelle O'Malley. Sweet. i shouldn't be eating them but heck, i can get ill later. And it's real good. Got one for me saying 'happy belated birthday'- stuck that little sticker in my journal... hmm, my mortal has yet to reply, but its no obligation. That'd be stupid.

Arms kinda hurt now after the extended sparring yesterday. But i guess i'm better off than Donq. i think i hit him real hard on the elbow with the sword. but he's tough. he's ok. The session yesterday was rejuvenating. Life should be about martial arts, in my perspective. In the pursuit of martial art, one learns, one teaches, one grows and one has fun. Therefore economics is not life.
Being with cecile was a big distraction, i believe. And leaving her has left me with so much conflicts and troubles. It has also left me with an arena of self. I have learnt to attain the tranquility in the chaos of combat, now i'll have to learn it in the war of life. There's so much more to learn, and also so much more i need to seek and recover. And i pray to God that He guides me in these struggles, to ultimately find my self and return before Him.

That by accepting discipline we are liberated.
In the rush of conflict we find calm.
In the pursuit of self-perfection we are joined with others.
And that only by learning to pick up the sword
Can we develop the wisdom to put it down again.
:: Michael 2/17/2003 02:05:00 AM [+] ::
...

Bought Tim Bradstreet's art compilation book yesterday: Maximum Black.
Good shit.
i've been looking out for Tim's work since the Preacher series. His style is intense and powerful, his creations can spin a dark tale in that one single illustration. Tim has the uncanny talent to draw insightful and depth-filled portraits of characters in a neo-gothic, dark and nocturnal world smeared with grime and grit. His work defines the line between the shadows and the world that we see.
Enough bullshit- check out his website and see what he can do yourself:
http://www.timbradstreet.com
and if you're the type that likes dark art, here's one website for browsing. Most images are scanned so don't expect top quality:
http://members.fortunecity.com/camarila/horror.html
:: Michael 2/16/2003 12:22:00 AM [+] ::
...

Apologies, i guess, are due for that long rant in the previous post...
And i have to thank Claire, Shreya, and Candice for the birthday presents. A flower, candles and more flowers. There must be some poetic worth to that combination.
Thanks a million also to all you guys at 2AD4- you people just gave me the best birthday since i could remember. My birthday has always more or less been chucked aside before, 'cause everybody's just in that Valentine mood. But all my friends in and out of the class just made this one count. Although that delight is quite contaminated by my troubles...
But thats why its so important to have you guys around. Thats why God gave me this great class and the CWC- 'cos i guess he remembers that i actually need support.

Kevin's singles party was real cool. The fact that i was actally single probably helped, too. The effort he, plus Shaun, Jas and Jonathan(Jon's single?!), took to set up the place must be complimented. It looked great. Everything was fantastic except for one thing: i forgot the colour code. Dumbfuck. But it was more or less black, so whatever. The negative thing was that too little people came. Everything was going big, but the small crowd stumped the mood a little.
But who cares. i was there to have a some fun and damned if i'll be shortchanged. The food was absolution. Strange, cos it tasted better than Mcdonald's. :p
By 9:30pm, there was about 20 people there. Playing Win, Lose, Or Draw...Then K.P arrived in grand fashion. That also means he arrived real late. Only then did the dancing got around to start. The music was poweful, the red light was hot (literally), but the space was perhaps a little too big. The dancing became a little awkward, but what the heck- as far as i'm concerned i had fun... Its BHANGRA! I think i dance like shit though, missed the beat a few times. Joy joined us and we danced to Darshan again. Man, she rocks! and so does everybody else who danced. Cheryl's got real good grooves. ;)
And then i got dumped in the pool. These guys literally dragged my heavy ass to the pool, and swung me into the cold abyss. Damn fun. Happy Birthday asshole.
Got home at 12:30 something, wet and drenched. But the fun, good as it was, stopped there. When you're at home, and you have no friends and no music to occupy yourself with. Just the quiet night. And then you start thinking. For me, i didn't think very happy thoughts... Should have gone immediately to sleep...
:: Michael 2/15/2003 05:08:00 AM [+] ::
...

This is post no.1. This is you 18 years old.
This is you having tainted the world
Since Valentine's Day 18 years ago.
Valentine's Day
Is in fact a day when the death of a martyr is commemorated.
Some say that Saint Valentine was clubbed and decapitated.
Some say he was ripped apart by lions for the Caesar's pleasure.
So Happy Valentine's Day has as much relevance to love,
As Easter Day has relevance to chocolate bunnies and painted eggs.
¡­God has a sense of humor.
Sometimes that¡¯s the only reason you believe in him.

Today would have been 3 years and 8 months
That Cecile and you would have been together.
That¡¯s just about as long as the Japanese Occupation here in WWII.
But all that¡¯s over two weeks ago.
What she and you had was a painful mixture
Of love and hate.
It has degenerated into a constant unrelenting war
Where defensive barriers are impenetrable,
And words are razor-bladed weapons
That always hurt.
Saying ¡°I love you¡± has lost its meaning
Being only a call for truce.

So now you are no longer in her cage.
And you realize you are lost.
You have placed too much of yourself in her
And tearing away like that is to pull half your own heart out.
Its almost anger you feel sometimes-
You wonder if you should hurt her a little more before you left her.
Only to realize that would only hurt yourself even more.
You are free now, foolish raven, but you have forgotten
How to fly, so you only fall.

What pain you felt inside before
Now you pull it in even deeper
Now you go on with your life
With an undead zest.
Skulls have the widest smiles.
You go to parties, go out with friends
You have fun. You indulge
In a celebration of paradoxes and despairs.
Because love is fucked up.
Love is crap.
Love is everything you want it never to be.
And that was a painful lesson.

:: Michael 2/15/2003 04:02:00 AM [+] ::
...